After working on my blogs and thinking about all these things today, I am sitting here contemplating my future health and wondering why the hell I am not doing what it is I need to do. I mean, I know what I have to do. Get active, Eat better, Sleep more. I have all the tools that I need to do the right thing to get off this never ending roller coaster that is weight loss.
I sit here doing not much at all, eating chips with dip and drinking sugar and non dairy creamer loaded coffee.. while my size 18 jeans are getting tighter around my thighs and waistline to the point where I don't want to wear anything but stretch pants. I hate what I am doing to myself. I had lost 41 pounds since June from June 2012 to Jan. 2013 and I was happy with that accomplishment although it wasn't the healthy way that I lost it.
I attribute my weight loss to stress and anxiety (from major life changes) marital separation, a new job and career change after relocating. In August a very difficult and unhappy relationship turned very bad and ended in court dates, restraining orders and me being totally devastated and broken, Then I think that I am getting past all my fear, anger, anxiety and pain and then something else hits me. Causing me to spiral back out of control.
In January, I lost my mom and I immediately, slip back into my old bad behaviors and slipping faster then ever into the abyss of weight gain, self sabotaging and self hatred. This caught me totally by surprise. All of us really, it was very unexpected. She got Pneumonia and the antibiotics just didn't work. I have been lost since then. I have been so distraught that I couldn't even get myself to read her obituary until about 2 weeks ago. I went to her grave on Mothers Day to take her flowers and have to go back to put her Gravestone on her site. I just cant bring myself to do it. It will be 5 months in 12 days and I feel like it happened yesterday.
I have so many good things going for me in my life now, I have a great job, although we are slow and I get really bored during the day. I do love the work. I have an kind and loving man in my life now loves me absolutely with out any strings, restrictions or conditions. someone that I have known most of my life. He is truly my first love. I am the happiest that I have ever been in a very long time. He treats me very well. My kids are all in contact with me quite often. Of course my little one still lives with me. My oldest is about to turn 21, I hear from him often, My daughter talks to me daily.
I just cant get my head in the game. I stepped on the scale today and I was very upset with what I saw. I have completely gained all my weight back. In 2003, I lost almost 80 pounds and added about 20 back after that and maintained that 20 to 30 pound gain since. Since January however, I have gone right back to where I was before I figured out what worked for me and made a major change in my life. I am in so much pain on a daily basis between my back, shoulder, neck and my hips, I just cant stand it. I have to do something! I have to get back in the game and get this weight off of me once and for all!
I have thought of going under the knife so that I have to be forced to eat right and get this weight off and keep it off but I have seen that fail too many times besides, I don't want surgery. I want to do this right! I want to do it correctly with diet, exercise and hard work and dedication. That is what I plan on doing!!!!
I know what I have to do and I know how to do it and I have to just do it.. I have that desire However, that can only carry you so far. I need to get motivated and get out of my "funk" (no other word comes to mind at the moment) And get moving towards my weight loss, fitness and health goals. I think that I have no choices, I am getting older, Im 43 years old now, its only going to get harder and harder as the time goes by and as I gain more and more weight. I refuse to buy anymore fat clothes and I refuse to gain any more.
!i!Today's the last day, I'm going to sit by and do nothing!i!
Goals:
Get Gluten and Dairy Free
****to get rid of stomach problems
Lose 70 pounds
***by eating healthy, natural home cooked foods
***Also by exercising a minimum of 5 days a week, Walking or cardio videos
Gain Lots of muscle tone and tighten this jiggly body
***Work out to the Get Ripped in 60 days Videos
***Go to Belly Dancing Class every week
***Start Zumba Classes or get videos
Outcome:
***No more pain!!!
***Feel great in my new smaller clothes
***Look and feel healthy and younger
